Since I was 3 I wanted to be on TV. When I was 22, that dream came true. Through a lot of focus, dreaming and hard work, I did it. And, I got to do it 2 more times and it was amazing! I love it! I love being on set, in front of the camera helping to tell a story. There really is nothing like it for me.
Then when I was in my 30s, I got to produce. I got to be the force behind the making of someone else’s dream and it was amazing. It felt so good and I was good at it. But, since it wasn’t a dream I had held since I was 3, I spent years belittling it as if it wasn’t a dream I had at all.
Now, in my 40s, I am struggling. It’s been really difficult for me because the dream I held onto so tightly, seems foggy. That dream I visualized daily from the time I was 3 until I was in my 20s, doesn’t hold the same gusto it once did and I have been feeling lost. At the beginning of the year, I thought it might be because I had let that dream go so I’ve been working diligently to get it back, but the thing is that when I sit to visualize it, it’s foggy and when things become clear, they don’t light me up like they used to. Which is so very confusing for me because some things do light me up like that and I’ve noticed when I get excited, I tend to second guess myself lately because…so many reasons.
Today I started reading Girl Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis. In the book she talks about how she no longer spends a single second on worry about what people might think of her for having big dreams. She basically talks about how she is embracing her desire to have big audacious dreams and that she’s a massive, obnoxious goal-setter.
When I read those words, they hit a part of my soul that I can’t explain. Then I started thinking…I am that way too. My dreams have always been HUGE and because they’ve been so “obnoxious” (love that she uses that word. it makes me giggle because – it’s true) I feel like I only get one. What I mean by that is that if I had the obnoxiously big dream of moving from my small town in Minnesota to Los Angeles to be on TV and I got to do that, how dare I have another big dream. I know it sounds silly, but reading that made me realize that that’s how I have subconsciously been feeling and therefore, sabotaging and stopping myself from dreaming about another goal and setting it and going after it.
I mean, if I’m being totally honest, I have quite a few of these big obnoxious dreams and it would be incredibly fun to just go forward and accomplish them….wowsa…what would that look like? Whew you guys – I…I am going to have to sit with this.
What would it look like if I unapologetically just went after all of my big obnoxious dreams?