It was around 5am in mid October 2017 and the sun had not yet shown her face when Craig and I set out on our adventure. Our friends, who had kindly let us stay the night after housing our little teardrop trailer (who we named Tina) because we were having trouble getting it hooked up to our car, were still fast asleep. You see, we had hooked the trailer up before without issue but we hadn’t hooked it up with our car fully packed for our year-long adventure so our hitch was much lower than before. We, being the complete novices that we were, thought it was because the driveway was on a small slope.
So, we woke up early and by the light of the streetlights, began to pull the trailer out of the driveway in order to put it on more solid ground. We were giggling and naive in this endeavor remembering only that the trailer was “light enough for one person to move it around.” That was part of the selling point for us. We had watched video after video of a man moving the trailer around talking about how light it was and how “a woman could move it easily by herself,” aside from the complete sexism in that statement because I guarantee that I am stronger than a lot of men, I loved it.
Well, the thing we conveniently didn’t take into consideration was that this man was rolling this trailer around a flat, paved, showroom floor. We didn’t take that into consideration until we pulled the trailer just past the crest of the driveway and it started down the slight incline gaining speed, we tried to get in front of it and push on it to slow it down all while trying to be super quiet not to wake anyone (so no yelling what we were thinking at each other) and it started rolling faster and faster. I looked over at Craig and saw complete panic in his eyes. We both let go slightly as the fear of being crushed by this small, yet 2,000 pound trailer became a very real possibility. We got out in front of it and when it hit the bottom of the driveway and the tires fell into the little wedge where the rain would flow on those rare days in southern California when it “storms,” and it slowed slightly and we were able to stop it.
The whole ordeal took maybe a minute, but felt like it was going in slow-motion.
Why am I writing about it now? Well, because it’s the first Monday of 2019 and I have been contemplating for days on what to write, that coupled with the fact that I’ve been contemplating if I should write at all for months now. The thing is that I want to write. I’ve wanted to write for years. I used to have a blog that I wrote in every day and it was one of the most fun things I’ve ever done. I wanted to write every day on our trip, but I stopped when it felt like all I was doing was complaining. I want to write. But, fear has stopped me. Until I re-read BIG MAGIC by Elizabeth Gilbert, again (seriously, if you haven’t read it – do so 😉 ) and was reminded that “fear is boring.” I love that line so much. She’s right! Fear is boring and one of things I absolutely don’t want to be in life is bored or boring. So, I’m facing my fear and breaking up with it. And, figured I’d do that by just writing.
Also, something happened to me when I got back. People kept asking about our trip and I realized that I really couldn’t tell them anything, because, seriously you guys, I have NO idea what we did last year. We saw so much stuff and it was constant and I know I had fun, but I don’t remember the specifics. In my frustration to figure out what the heck – why can’t I remember? I realized it’s because I need time to process.
And, remember, incase I didn’t make it clear – I also want to write.
So, I have come to the conclusion that I should write about the trip now. It’s never too late – right? For months now, I’ve been thinking that I missed a huge opportunity to share what I was going through. But, now, I realize it wasn’t a missed opportunity, just a postponed opportunity and that I should never give up (I’m going to talk more about that later). I mean, the timing of my writing is just a little hiccup, just like the one we had with the trailer the morning we left for our trip. And, if we had let that hiccup stop us from going…. I mean, come on, we could have let the fear voices overwhelm us so easily. It was obvious that we didn’t know what we were doing and that we could have been seriously injured, we could have broken the trailer which was going to be our home for a year, etc. But, here’s the thing – I almost died buying oranges at a farmer’s market – meaning, we can all almost die (or actually die) at any moment. That’s why we continued with our trip without question. So, why has writing this blog been so scary? Well, that’s for another day. But, I will not let the fear stop me anymore.
So, this is blog one of many this year. I have no idea what I’m doing but I hope you’ll join me as I reflect on my life in a teardrop.
Here I come 2019! Here I come! 🙂