Gosh, it’s been forever since I’ve written. That seems to be a theme statement for me with blogging lately and there’s so many reason for that. I just get in my own way soooooo much of the time. It’s really annoying, frankly. But, this is not a post about me beating myself up for being me. This is a post about the very real fact that my body can’t support any of my dreams right now and it’s, well, pissing me off if I’m being honest.
The thing is, I only have myself to blame and that’s the reality.
I have so many physical things going on right now, the latest was a pinched nerve in my neck that just happened one morning when I woke up and so for about a week now I wasn’t able to do my physical therapy for the flipping vertigo that’s been plaguing my existence since the end of January. Vertigo that has made it so I am not allowed to drive (or fly, I just found out) per the Dr’s orders. And, it sucks.
Now, this is also not a post where I’m looking for sympathy or advice. Nope, I’ve come to realize that I love blogging just because (a) it is cathartic for me and (b) I feel like if we share the human experience, it can help others. So, this is a post of me sharing a very real thing and it’s a post of me getting real with myself.
I fell yesterday. Yup, like a flipping 3 year old trying to walk. I was sitting on my front step petting the dog and when I got up, the world spun around and I fell backwards. I am totally fine other than the fact that as I lied there leaning on my elbow the reality of the situation came crashing down on me and it was everything I could do not to cry. Not because it hurt, but because I realized my body literally cannot handle my dreams right now. That’s the reality and as much as I want to focus on the positive, I have to acknowledge where I’m at. My dream is to be out in the world living my life as fully as possible. I want to speak, act, write, produce, travel, live and love. And, right now, I can’t even stand up without the world spinning and…apparently…falling on my ass.
So, this is me getting real…
For years now, I’ve had this internal battle about blogging because I am a true optimist. I really do believe there is always a positive solution if you look hard enough, but when I write, I find myself writing about the struggle to find that solution. And so my internal struggle comes in the form of me needing to write about the struggle because it helps me process and find the solution and the voice in my head that says “don’t put that negativity out into the world.” This internal conversation is exhausting and I’ve realized lately that the voice in my head is me worrying about what you might think of me if I just write my reality. I then realized that (for some reason), when I write and put it out in the world, it’s a sort of therapy for me and maybe that’s what I need right now in order to heal my body. I need an outlet where I can talk about the sh*t I’ve put my body through and the results that I’m dealing with now. And, I hope that in just being completely honest with myself “out loud” here, it might help others who have or are struggling with the same things.
So, I am starting a new journey. One that is literally 30 years in the making and that journey is the journey of healing my body. It is going to be an imperfect journey, but one that I need to take if I’m going to create my life the way I want to. I honestly, don’t know if I’m brave enough to take this journey, but I am feeling brave enough to take the first step today.
What do they say about recovery, admitting you have a problem is the first step? I have a problem with my body, with food, with treating my physical vessel in an abusive way and that vessel is fighting back. I have a lot of amends to make with myself but I acknowledge…
I did this.
And, I know I can undo this.
That doesn’t make it suck less but only I can make it better.
I’m sorry body and I’m going to work everyday to make it up to you.