It’s 1:20AM and I just gave up on the tossing and turning that has been going on for the last hour as I try to sleep. Feeling frustrated, I got out of bed and am now sitting in our living room. The new fan our landlord put in the day he told us we wouldn’t be getting an extension on our lease is making a clicking sound and the sound of cars passing by in the distance on the freeway is like a gentle lull that is making me feel sleepy…maybe coming out here to write was a good idea after all.
I’m not unfamiliar with insomnia. I’ve had it since I can remember. I was always the kid who didn’t want to go to sleep out of fear of missing out on something. I just really loved interacting with people and wanted to make sure I got to experience any conversation the adults would have once I went to sleep. Now, my mind races and tonight, I can’t figure out if my mind is racing out of fear or genuine excitement at what’s to come. I feel it might be the latter for the first time in months and that makes me super happy. It’s investing that I can’t seem to figure out what the reasons behind my mind racing really is right now. I have thoughts of frustration with the state of the world but am also giddy at the fact that those thoughts aren’t debilitating to me anymore. I’m excited about the release of my first book in September but also nervous that I won’t be able to do a good job promoting it because of all the work that has to be done to get ready for the move. I have about twenty songs running through my head and they’re getting all jumbled up but also bringing flashes of memories of school dances and afternoons at the lake with friends.
Oh the mind, it’s such an interesting thing. Mine is processing things so fast right now that I can’t get a handle on what the deal is. Why am I awake? Is this going to be a thing on the road? Am I going to feel sick tomorrow because I’m awake now? I guess the bottom line is that no matter what this insomnia causes for me, I can handle it.
That’s a lesson I am learning and embracing on a daily basis right now. No matter what happens, I can handle it. That sentiment has been lost to me for several years now and I’m starting to remember the truth it holds. I can handle it. I wonder if I’ll wake up tomorrow and remember writing this stream of conciseness blog and feel shame? Oh well, I guess it’s a perfect of example of something I can handle. LOL.
Thanks for listening. Going to try and calm my mind and get back to sleep.
…Oh wow! I just realized as I was about to close my computer, in the past, having insomnia would COMPLETELY freak me out. Not sleeping after the crash (when I had PTSD and my insomnia was at a level I didn’t even understand was possible) had some severe and dire consequences. Since then, for the past fourteen years, whenever sleep would elude me, panic would set in. I was always so afraid. This is the first time that insomnia has struck where I simply didn’t panic, instead, I got out my computer and wrote. Maybe I really, at my core, finally understand that I can handle it.
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