The vanilla candle I bought sits snuggly in the cup holder of our teardrop trailer flickering away. It’s one of the few non-practical items in our tiny but cozy home. This morning, in the dark it is the only light aside from the constant blue light of the stereo on the other side of the bed. As I stare at it, contemplating the second section of my course, the What section, specially the question, “what do you do?” It’s a question that has plagued my every thought for so long now that I can’t even pinpoint when it started and the candle’s fast paced dancing is a perfect representation of my brain’s inability to stop thinking about it.
The incessant question most likely began to creep in when I started to let my dream go. Like a feather floating in the wind, the image, so mesmerizing that it hid the reality of loss until one day that reality hit me with the violence of an entire bird hitting a car window.
My dream (the feather) has always been to have my own show shot in front of live a studio audience preferably at Warner Brothers studios in Burbank and airing on NBC (hey, when you’re manifesting, the more specific, the better 😉 ) In essence, I moved to hollywood to be “talent,” to be in front of the cameras, to bring to life other people’s stories through film and television.
That dream floated away while I was mesmerized by producing. You see, I enjoy producing very much and I’m not gonna lie, my ego loved the success and accolades I got as a producer. BUT, as my ego grew, my soul died until one day it hit me that I was no longer following my dream.
It took years for that realization to take hold because I was living on the cusp of my dream. Each day, I was working in my dream industry, building a name for myself and creating a network of awesome people I could work with, so I was able to justify the fact that it wasn’t really my dream because it wasn’t my dream job within my dream industry. It was so close that I was able to ignore that tiny little detail – a detail that, now, years later has grown into a giant problem.
Wow, I know I have to write this blog and get this out there because as I shift to reach for my computer, Craig rolls over and puts his arm around me. It’s too sweet to disturb. Lucky for me, my notebook is right here and my non-practical candle becomes very useful as it lights my handwriting and allows me to see.
I write quickly and with purpose and my pen dies. There isn’t another near me, but there is a sharpie, my type A/Anal retentive brain SCREAMS as I begin to write in my notebook, knowing it’s going to bleed through the paper and it hits me – I MUST SHARE these thoughts.
This is who I am and what I do.
And so, as the sun comes up, peeking through the small crack in the blind on the window above my head, making the candle no longer the only the light, the question of “what do you do” becomes clear – I share. I MUST share.
I’m not quite sure what to do with this information as my way of wanting to share often changes and my fear of getting stuck in one thing stops me from even starting. But, for now, in this moment, this morning, I am going to hold onto that kernel of truth. I am a sharer.
Next I will tackle those fears that stop me from just embracing this truth, but for now, as I lie in this tiny home I’ve created with love and with my love, as Zoe, our dog snuggles at my feet trying to get warm, my soul gets just a little fuller, life is being breathed into it and I am happy knowing with every step toward my dream, I have the opportunity to heal <3
With all my creativity,