Today’s blog is inspired by my Women Who Inspire co-author, Melissa Binkley and our incredible conversation about trauma, control and letting go. As most of you know, I can talk about this topic all day because man did I experience some serious control issues after the crash with my PTSD. Melissa and I talk about that on the podcast. Her episode airs Sept.16th.
During our conversation, Melissa said something that really struck me:
“There is this magic piece of standing in that not knowing where you’re going and what you’re doing and letting go of the control, that changes everything.”
The reason it struck me so hard is because as I prepare for all the big changes that I’m allowing into my life (the trip, the book, the next book, etc.) I am learning to really let go of the outcome in a way that I’ve never done before.
Let me explain just how crazy my control/OCD became with the PTSD with a little story. So, while I was in the hospital, we were required to make our own beds, to create a sense of accomplishment and normalcy (though, at the time, I never made my bed so that really wasn’t normal for me…but, I digress.). Each morning, I would wake up and go to group therapy. I feel like this happened even before I got ready for the day and before breakfast, but that might have just been me catching up on sleep because I hadn’t had any in eight months.
Anyway, I would leave my bed unmade thinking I’d make it up after group therapy. The first day, I came back to my room and the bed was made by the sweetest housekeeper ever. I guess she must have noticed what a mess I was mentally and decided to help. I remember feeling so grateful and appreciative…and then I saw what she had done. And, I’m not exaggerating when I say that it COMPLETELY freaked me out. You see, I had this blanket my mom had made me. It had horses running on it and I used to roll up in it and feel safe. Well, as nice as this woman was for making my bed, she made it with the blanket from my mom and she put the blanket on the bed with the horses running UP-SIDE-DOWN!!! I feel like those three minutes of thanking her for making my bed were the longest three minutes of my life. I couldn’t handle it. The horses were running upside down!!!
The second she left, I slammed the door shut and ran over to the bed and flipped the blanket right side up and sat on the bed feeling this sense of relief like no other. Crazy right? Well, I mean, I was in the psych ward for a reason. For the rest of my stay, even though she wasn’t really supposed to, she made my bed and each day, I had this insane sense of anxiety as I sat in group therapy trying to listen and participate when all I could think about was getting to my room to remake the bed. I finally started excusing myself half way through therapy to “go to the bathroom” and I would run to my room and remake the bed and feel that sense of relief. I knew how insane it was that I was feeling this way, but I couldn’t help it. That’s what trauma does. Everything in your head is so full of chaos that your brain latches on to those things it can control and won’t let go of them because they’re like this peace that you just can’t get anywhere else.
I think about that story often when I catch myself being a bit of a control freak. Planning for the trip and the book release has been especially interesting because one of my goals is to find more peace in the process. So, when Melissa said what she said, I replaced the word “piece” with “peace” and am definitely feeling the magic in that. I’m eternally grateful to have had the experience of trauma I’ve had because it has given me some serious contrast to know that when I get a little control-freaky, it’s really not as bad as it could be. And, I’m eternally grateful to be surrounded by people who help me stay on track with my goal to find peace as well as provide these great little nuggets of inspiration. Talking with my co-authors on the podcast has been such a thrill. I do hope you’ll tune in because they really are spectacular humans. Please sign up for my mailing list to get an email when the podcasts start coming out as well as to learn how to get lots of free goodies on the day of the book release, Sept. 26th. Until then, if you’d like to learn a bit more about Melissa and all that she’s doing, click below.
Want to know what’s happening with the launch of the book and learn how to get all the free goodies on the day of its release? Sign up for my mailing list and I’ll send you the info.
Also, I’ve been asked a lot lately how I make my dreams into realities and I realized a lot of it has to do with understanding who I am and how I want to live my life or, the heart of my own personal brand. You can get to the heart of yours by taking my, GET TO THE HEART OF YOUR BRAND, course at Udemy